Gwyneth’s full of goop!

08 Oct 2008

Ahlan! picks the worthier-than-thou actress’s choicest nuggets of lifestyle advice…

From fitness videos, to diets, to fashion lines, the celebs are queuing up to tell us how to dress, exercise and eat. But former macrobiotic nut, GWYNEThH PALTROW now claims she’s found the secret to happiness, and – lucky us – she’s decided to share her pearls of wisdom with us through her new website

So if you don’t mind being patronised (and money is no object), why not let Gwynnie instruct you in how to live? Mere mortal, we give you the ten Gwyn-mandments…

1 “My life is good because I am not passive about it”
Translation:It’s got nothing to do with my millions, you’re unhappy because you’re lazy.

2 “I love to travel, to cook, to eat, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard”

Translation:Lazy mortal. Turn off Shallow Hal, put the Cheetos away and get off the sofa.

3 “Cook a meal for someone you love”

Translation:I don’t mean Pot Noodle, moron. I’m talking tofu and organic flaxseeds with my best friend, Madge. Delish!

4 “Read something beautiful”
Translation:You can read, can’t you mortal? Try my ‘inspiring’ new newsletter on how fab I am and how much you suck.

5 “I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice. Clean out your space”
Translation:Your house is dirty. I’ve already warned you about clearing those Cheetos bags away, miserable mortal.

6 “Pause before reacting”
Translation:Look at my slapped kipper expression. Do you see me reacting? To anything? Ever? Exactly, so stop showing emotion.

7 “Nourish the inner aspect. Nourish what is real”
You’re fugly, mortal. Best to focus on your ‘personality.’ It’ll help.

8 “Treat yourself to something. Go to a city you’ve never been to”
Ha ha. I’ve got mega-bucks so I can shop and travel as much as I want. Unlike you, hobo.

9 “Learn something new”
I’ve got so much to teach you, you lazy, ignorant slob.

10 “Don’t be lazy. Workout and stick with it”
You’re fat, mortal. Lose weight.