Crazy Celebrity Baby Names

Radio 2’s Kenny and Accalia dissect the psyches of celebs who name their offspring
Crazy Celebrity Baby Names

With the recent spate of celebrities giving birth comes an inevitable increase in the number of ridiculously named human beings – a demographic that tends to concentrate around T’Town. Ahlan! Live asked our resident bloggers Ken and Accalia to analyse A-listers’ desire to bestow sprogs with ever more unusual names. Here’s what they summised...

She says: Apparently, some celebrities just don't get enough attention, so think nothing of hanging odd names on their children. A leading publicist being interviewed on TV was saying that, for a celeb to 'survive' and remain 'on the boil' and 'in the limelight', they need to do something 'noteworthy' at least every 12 months. So, if things are a bit quiet on the public interest front and they're about to adopt/give birth/get someone else do give birth for them, adorning the offspring with an exotic and ‘kreatively’ spelled name might just do the trick.

The act of naming celebabies differently also emphasises to us common folk just how special these kids are. They are not ordinary. They are celebspawn. But if it garners nothing more than a couple of lines in the gossip mags, is it worth subjecting your offspring to a life of ridicule because of a selfish quest for superiority? I guess the rich and privileged parents don't ever expect their children to have to rub elbows with Joe Public or apply for real jobs along with the Daves and Sandras of this world.

Still, I find it hard to feel any sympathy for these mad-monikered celebspawn, since the stress of a painful name can be easily dealt with: simply change it. When David Bowie’s son Zowie set about establishing his movie directing career, he took the name Duncan Jones. It seems that not all of these crazily christened legacies are doomed to disastrous lives; many do just fine despite the burden.

But one burning question remains: why do celebrities pick completely insane names for their kids and choose such reasonable ones for their pets? Geri Halliwell’s daughter is Bluebell Madonna. And her dog is Harry. David and Victoria Beckham named their kids Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven. Or is it 7? Their dogs are called Twiggy and Coco. Elle Macpherson has a Labradoodle named Bella, while her son is named Aurelius Cy. And Sylvester Stallone’s son is Sage Moonblood. His dog? Barney. You see, it’s not so difficult, is it?

He says: Having children is, once again, the thing to do in Hollyweird. Anyone who's anyone is doin' it... so to speak. And along with those new bundles of joy come the bizarre baby names. It's not enough that this celebrity spawn will most likely never have a normal life; their parents want to alienate them even further by giving them a name that will surely get them beaten up in the playground later in life.

Posh and Becks’ Harper Seven is one of the latest victims. I read that their current children named their new sister after a character from their favourite show, The Wizards of Waverly Place. I guess if that’s true Harper can count her lucky stars the Beckham boys aren't into Ren & Stimpy. Speaking of lucky, that's where they came up with Seven! I think they should have gone the whole way and made it the number 7 rather than compromising. Naming your kid a number, now that's chic.

But in the grand scheme of things Harper Seven isn't all that bad.  Look what magician Penn Gillette did to his daughter – Moxie Crimefighter. Spice Girl Geri Halliwell called her daughter Bluebell Madonna. Alicia Keys has dubbed her son Egypt. Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow named their daughter Apple. And Bob Geldof named his children Fifi Trixibelle, Little Pixie and Peaches Honeyblossom... What the heck, dude?

Naming your child after a fruit, number, cartoon character or country is just another way for a celebrity to say, "Hey!  Look at me!  Look what I did to my child!". What's tragic is that it's at the child's expense. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that these children turn out OK. Perhaps the playground beatings will help make them stronger. In the end, I think the wacky baby name very well could be considered a form of child abuse.