Ping! That’s the sound of the latest GOOP newsletter from everyone’s fave smug-homemaker Gwyneth Paltrow appearing in my inbox. Or is it the sound of my head exploding as her latest offerings reach Smugness Def Com 5? Either way, this week it’s all about ‘The Making Of Pepper Potts’ as Gwynnie offers up a tantilising peek into what it really took to get her Iron Man 2 body. Now, as interesting as it is, frankly, I’d rather eat a piece of my desk than a handful of hamster droppings “as a fun snack!”
But, let’s breakdown what Gwyn says it takes to get her worthy of Hollywood and compare it to what you and I are doing in, y’know, the real world…
GOOP World:7am: Wake up, have a green tea
Real World:7am: Alarm goes off. Unpeel tongue from roof of mouth. Momentarily wish was dead as preferential to getting up and going to work. Hit snooze button.
GOOP World:Breakfast: A Think Thin bar
Real World:A cheese manakeesh from Al Hallab and a packet of Walkers Sensations (Thai Chili flavour). Toy with idea of Diet Coke.
GOOP World:8 am – 9:30: Workout with my friend and business partner Tracy Anderson.
Real World:Be at your desk at WORK, at your JOB that you have to do EVERY DAY in order to earn in a month what Gwyn does while sitting on the loo.
GOOP World:Post-workout: Kale Juice (kale, lemons, agave nectar, cold water)
Real World:What the hell is agave nectar?
GOOP World:1pm Lunch: 1 Mountain Valley Wrap, 1.5 tablespoons of Almond Butter, Chopped Dates
Real World:“Hello, is that More? Yeah, can I get a lasagne for delivery, please? Yep, that’s it, thanks. No nothing else.” Pause. “And chips.”
GOOP World:Afternoon snack: A small handful of almonds or a raw organic Kombucha.
Real World:Trip to the petrol garage for a Twirl. For Komboucha see agave nectar above.
GOOP World:Dinner: Turkey Kale Soup. Tracy also shared this recipe with me. Another super-low calorie recipe, it does not lack in flavor. (Onion, garlic, leeks, asparagus, celery, parsnip, thyme, rosemary, low-sodium vegan bullion cubes, parsley, boneless skinless turkey breast, soy sauce, kale).Simmer for about 3 hours so the vegetables are cooked.
Real World:Campbell’s make soups. They come in a tin you can open with a tin opener and cook on a hob in like, three minutes.
