There’s a hole in the ozone layer – this much we know. But while politicians are busy looking at the effect of cow’s flatulence and cars, has anyone ever bothered to harness and investigate the hot air that comes out of Ms Kidman’s mouth?

Trying her very, very best to come across as deep and emotive (a reaction to the lack of depth in her wrinkles and emotion on her face, perhaps?), Nic’s bon mots have long crossed the line between what’s sweet and what’s smug.

Ahlan! would have wheeled out it’s pseudo-intellectualism BS-O-Meter… but it exploded. So, we settled on our Pretension-O-Meter to gauge the depth of Nicole’s, well, depth…

The hours
Nic says: “I didn’t want to do [The Hours]. My friends all said, ‘Get on the plane and do it. Go get lost in it.’ [And] I thought, ‘Wow, I get [to]… exist within a character in a completely different way. I was just raw enough to do it.”

Ahlan! says
Our friends are charming and literate enough to tell us, ‘Go get lost in it’ too. No, hang on. It’s ‘Go get lost for talking like an episode of Dr Phil!’

Pretension-o-meter: 1

Being shortsighted
Nic ays: “I never wore glasses. I could exist in my head. It was kind of my escape from the world and my protection.”

Ahlan! says
And who protected us when you were behind the wheel?

Pretension-o-meter: 2

Getting eye surgery
Nic says: “I was walking around legally blind. Now I have 20-20 vision. I can’t believe I spent so many years blurry, but I think that coincides with how I was feeling.”

Ahlan! says
No, we think it coincides with the fact that you were shortsighted. It’s genetic, don’t try and hijack it, Nic.

Pretension-o-meter: 3

Giving birth
Nic says: “I’d heard horror stories of 40 hours of labour, and I was sure that would be me, but I had a very easy labour. And through it all, Keith’s eyes gave me such strength.”

Ahlan! says
An easy labour? We’re sure the women of the world are thrilled for you! And that “Keith’s eyes” comment? Mills & Boon-tastic!

Pretension-o-meter: 3

Being a child genius
Nic says: “I was 11 and 12 years old, sitting up in the beach house with my books. I read most of the Russians then, and I was really young and I was reading Crime And Punishment and War And Peace and dreaming that I was Natasha and becoming Madame Bovary.”

Ahlan! says
Not for Nic a tattered copy of Just Seventeen. No, she was too busy reading “the Russians” to get a tan.

Pretension-o-meter: 3

Pretension-o-meter:

1 As pretentious as the poetry you wrote when you were 14

2 As pretentious as a second year French philosophy student

3 Whoa! Red Alert! You are entering Peaches Geldof territory