When Posh announced she was moving her family to LA in her pursuit of stardom, sorry, we mean that when she and David sat down and discussed, as equals, moving stateside for his career, she promised to keep us updated on her Tinseltown life.

We wish she hadn't bothered.

Ahlan! translates and rates some of Vicky B's most polished Brand Beckham-esque blogszzzzz...

June 25
"Well I promised you in the last blog that I would keep you up-to-date with everything that has been going on, so here I am."

Trans: My PR wrote this.

"I have such wonderfully loyal fans, so thank you; it was great to meet so many of you."

Trans: But don't get too close to my couture, poor people.

July 19
"David had his first press conference as an official LA Galaxy player last Friday - he handled it well."

Trans: They gave him a colouring in book in case he got distracted.

"All we need to do now is unpack - something I'm not looking forward to!"

Trans: Well, something my assistants aren't looking forward to, anyway.

August 13
"I am loving our new house - it is totally major!"

Trans: My US PR told me to say "major", she said it would make Americans love me.

"I have been busy having a good look around LA, checking out the restaurants"

Trans: So I know to avoid them.

October 8
"I went to see the Chanel show on Friday and I sat next to my friend, the lovely Dita Von Teese."

Trans: I met her five minutes ago.

"I was invited to dinner by Marc [Jacobs], with some fascinating people including Sofia Coppola... She was amazing."

Trans: Cast me in one of your movies Sofia, please!

November 1
"I heard that some people had been queuing since 6am [to get a signed copy of my book] which is absolutely amazing."

Trans: Apparently the people there at 6am thought David would be there.

"I hope you enjoy the book and have as much fun reading it as I had writing it."

Trans: Ha ha! Fooled you, as if I write stuff.