There once was a time when Madonna was the coolest person on planet pop. From that sexy pot belly and the armpit-drying-under-the-warm-air-hand-dryer scene in Desperately Seeking Susan, to starting international dance crazes - Vogue-ing, anyone? - Madge was fabulous.

But now, with those hideous man arms, lack of humour and - we're sorry - zero sing-a-long tunes, Madonna is, quite frankly, a bit of a bore.

Ahlan! compares the old fun Madge with the new dull Madge and isn't happy!

Style
Who didn't want to look like Madge in the 80s and 90s? Whether it was layers of lace, ‘Italians Do It Better' T-shirts or ‘Boy Toy' belts, where Madge led, the whole world followed.

Rarely seen out of her tracksuits, Madge's collection for H&M was a flop and even Lourdes doesn't like her look - "My daughter gets angry because I go to school wearing my tracksuit."

Body
Pulp Fiction's Fabienne nailed it when she said, "I have a bit of a tummy, like Madonna when she did Lucky Star." And Madge used to boast a tres sexy, curvy figure back in the day.

"There are no shortcuts to being Madonna," the hard-bodied, man-armed star reveals. "It's all about hard work. There is no easy way. If you want to know how I look like I do, it's diet and exercise and constantly being careful." Booooring.

Controversy
Where do we start? Well, there was the Like A Prayer video, the Sex book, the stage performance of Like A Virgin, the ‘friendship' with Sandra Bernhard...on?

Whereas Madge once crucified Kevin Costner for calling her Blonde Ambition show "Neat", she let Tom Cruise's recent craziness go by with a pathetic, "I think he gets a raw deal."

From the classic opening bars of Holiday, to the cheeky lyrics of Hanky Panky, Madonna's old music can still get everyone up on the dance floor.

Music
"My songs now have a sense of irony or contradiction in them. They are more complex." And more dull.

Upfront about her love life - enlisting her personal trainer Carlos Leon to provide daddy duties - Madge once insisted, "I have the most perfect belly button. When I stick my fingers in it, I feel a nerve in the centre of my body shoot up my spine."

Sexiness
It sounds rocking in the Ciccone-Ritchie household, with Madge revealing of bedtime with Guy, "We lie next to each other with our BlackBerrys under our pillows."